forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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