my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
