Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
