Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
