haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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