Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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