I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
