So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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