I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
