i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
