Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
