I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
