Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
