he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
