Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize