i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
