Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
