thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The best revenge is premature balding
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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