I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize