gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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