new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
