I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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