Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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