You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
