There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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