my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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