I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
