theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
