yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
