Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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