just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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