he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
