she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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