Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
