I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
