So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize