if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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