Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
