I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
