I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize