can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
