Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
