All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
