remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize