Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
