Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I am spending my child support on dildos
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
