I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
