There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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