your parents love me but you hate me
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i drank out of a bidet.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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