My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
