Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
