You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
