Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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