ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Found the puke drawer
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize