Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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