Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm sobbing to NWA
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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