he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
