i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
