i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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