and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
