Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
