Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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