K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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