I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
